5 Myths of female sexuality

So. Much. Pressure.

Turn the tv on, open a book, and tune into some porn. It’s everywhere. There is something wrong with you if you do not have sex 20 times a month, or have the biggest mind-blowing orgasm after 3 pumps whilst being held against a wall.

Reality? Throw all those misconceptions out the window and relax.

If you are not wet, you don’t want sex

Some women experience dryness during sex, and that is completely normal. Dryness can occur at different times and for different reasons. Medication, stress, hormones, pregnancy, dehydration (good excuse to drink more water), and menopause are just a few reasons you may be experiencing a bout of dryness. Grab yourself some good water-based lubricant, and don’t forget to slap some on your partner (or toy) to help create extra fun, slippery friction.

You need to be turned on to have sex

Wanting sex is not always available on tap. Sometimes you may be struggling to find any desire, and other times you feel as though you cannot get enough. You are normal! There are two schools of thought around desire. One includes you needing to be turned on first to want sex, the other states you can become turned on by touch and then want sex. There is a reason foreplay is important, and this is it. Next time you feel like turning your partner down, take a breath and, dive in, see what happens. You might be surprised.

You have a low sex drive (desire), and cannot help it

What if I told you, you CAN change how often you would like sex? Would that change your life? Here are the facts; you can change it. Let’s look at why you have a low desire to begin with. Are you on medication? Is your life full of stress? Are you able to switch your mind off? Do you have a good work-life balance? Are you sleeping enough and eating the right foods? Are you expecting to be turned on all the time? Is sex painful, or does it feel like a chore?

Any of these things and more can reduce your sexual desire or drive. We all know logically if we are tired, the last thing we want to do is bumping uglies till all hours. If our brains are flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, there is a slim chance you could get in the mood. Your body most likely will shut down to any and all pleasure. This is why having a balance is imperative for taking time to look after yourself and your sex life.

If you don’t have an orgasm from penetration, you’re broken

Thanks to movies, we are led to believe orgasms come quickly, fast, easily, and ALWAYS during intercourse. Ask the majority of women, and they will tell you otherwise. Ask your girlfriends. The reality is 75% of women will not achieve the wholy grail by penetration alone. Do yourself a favour, stop believing the movies and comparing yourself to them.

There are only 2 types of orgasms

Just like men, women can have multiple different types of orgasms. You will be asking your partner to lift their game or lifting your single romps up to achieve all of these.

VaginalVaginal walls are pulsing and may produce female ejaculation, usually created by g-spot stimulation.
AnalFelt in the anal canal and sphincter, not in the vagina.
Clitorial Often felt on the body itself, like a tingle.
ConvulsingYou will feel these in your pelvic floor area; try edging (long build-up) for one of these!
ErogenousThose areas that we take for granted or are often ignored. I’m talking nipples, ears, neck, knees, and elbows.
ComboAny of the above can occur simultaneously; if you have one of these, your whole body is most likely feeling it.

Now that we have a better understanding of the myths and misconceptions surrounding female sexuality, it’s time to take action. You can make a difference by educating yourself and others about the reality of women’s sexual experiences. We can have open and honest conversations with our partners and loved ones, promote healthy attitudes towards sex, and challenge the harmful stereotypes that still exist.

Sex is meant to be fun. There are many more myths and lies about female sexuality. These five just scratch the surface. As a woman, I am sure you have heard them all. I would love to know your favourites. Let’s take action together. Let’s work towards a world where women are empowered to explore and enjoy their sexuality without fear or shame. Let’s challenge the myths and misconceptions that hold us back and create a more inclusive and sex-positive society for everyone.

Kellie Payne Psychotherapist and Counsellor, Midland, Perth

About the author

Kellie Sheldon is the owner and operator of Kellie Sheldon Trauma and Sex Counselling in Midland, Western Australia. She holds a Master of Counselling Practice from Tabor College in Perth. Specialising in trauma and sexual therapy, she focuses on aiding adults in forming secure connections. With a particular interest in kink, BDSM and trauma, she is adept in techniques like EMDR to assist clients in processing negative and traumatic memories. Kellie is a firm advocate for therapy's potential to alleviate symptoms stemming from childhood or relationship trauma. Her primary goal is to accompany her clients on their journey toward healing, recognising that healing involves not just addressing past events but also acknowledging what hasn't occurred.

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