Kink and BDSM

Shame dies when stories are told in safe places

~ Ann Voskamp
image of love heart butt plug collar feathers and Worton wheel

Sexuality can be a scary thing to explore. Family ‘rules’ and social conditioning around who we are as sexual beings are unconscious and can drive the ways we are sexual. It sounds like an absolute minefield full of possibility, judgement, desire, shame, excitement, fear, exploration, and confusion.

Your experience with kink and BDSM will be very different if you are prepared. We know the more you understand something, the more relaxed you will be and the more you will enjoy it. We can remove all the confusion by exploring what sexuality means to you. Explore how you perceive a world of kink or BDSM and how you can discover your desires without shame.

A kink is an activity you enjoy. It does not have to be sexual, hard-core, or painful. A fetish is something someone needs to be able to orgasm.

BDSM = Bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism and masochism. You do not need to submit or dominate someone to play with kink. Kink with partners not in a Dominant/submissive dynamic are known as Top and bottom or play partners.

50 Shades of Grey jumped BDSM and kink into the mainstream and out of the shadows.

Glass pink heart topper of a dildo - great for temperature play

People have started to ask:

  • How do you play safely?
  • How do you communicate to your partner about what you like?
  • What are the different activities in BDSM and kink?
  • Can you say no?
  • Do you have safe words, and what are safe words?
  • Am I normal for liking these things
  • How do you know what you like?

Consent

Consent is the foundation of an enjoyable experience and is the difference between kink and abuse. A general rule is ‘If you are unsure if someone wants something, do not do it’. The below video on tea has a great explanation about enthusiastic consent. Consent is only valid if the other person is informed about their choice. If you are unsure what you are being asked to do, please research and ask questions. You cannot give informed consent if you are under the influence of substances.

Source: Blue Seat Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Negotiation

Understanding and communicating kinks or play requires negotiation and should be done before any play occurs. The starting point is finding a kink list you feel comfortable with and working through it. This list will allow each person to clearly state what they are prepared or not to do. They also have room for what someone has done and if they enjoyed it. I describe negotiations as colouring pictures on a page. It shows the outline of where the boundary is for what is an accepted activity. Some activities you may find on a kink list are most lists are broken down in detail to assist you.

  • Impact play
  • Bondage with ropes or other objects
  • Roleplay
  • Sensory deprivation
  • Orgasm denial
  • Watersports
  • Wax play
  • Temperature play
Leather handcuffs + flogger

Safewords

A safe word is used to stop or pause play during kink activities. You can choose any words you like that are easy to remember; feel free to be creative. Most people would know a safe word as the traffic light system. Red means STOP, do not go any further and step away. Yellow means I need a break, something isn’t quite right, and I need to communicate something outside of play for a minute. Green is everything is good; keep going.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the softer experience after a play session. This includes cuddling, food and drink, blankets, wound care, and conversation. During some kink activities, our nervous system is activated, and adrenaline is pumping. Aftercare allows our bodies to relax naturally and the hormones to go back to their natural levels. Talking about what each person liked or didn’t is important after play as it allows further connection and improved play next time.

Experienced kinksters

For those involved in the lifestyle, your stories are safe and welcome to be shared. I will not assume trauma is associated with your lifestyle, kink, or sexuality.  I understand consent is the pivotal undercurrent within these lifestyles. Yes, abuse can still occur; it’s about knowing the difference.  I understand SSC, RACK, PRICK, D/s, M/s, DDlg, MDlb, littles, middles, pet play, types of kinks or fetishes, and the stigma surrounding these.  There is no judgement within our created safe space.

KinkWISE method - a counselling framework designed by Kellie Sheldon Psychotherapist, Midland Australia